“When did you become so role oriented?”
My wife’s words strike to the core of my fumbling statements.
“I don’t know.” I shrug off.
There is a tug-o-war at play in my mind most days, something that originally I attributed to geography. My conservative side longs to be told what to do and the zealot in me wants to pave the way. I thought getting to Cambodia would instantly fill a longing in my heart, an adventure that had filled my thoughts and created these massive dreams. I thought the days would be full of running and never slowing down. The roles were defined and I was hitting the ground running.
Isn’t the dream to make our mark effortlessly? We all want to be recognized, feel/fill our purpose and be loved. We want the excitement of being Indiana Jones at the stakes of sacrificing the stunt man.
We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.
Sometimes I live in my head, I think I can dream things into being. And sometimes I do. Let’s be honest, my wife and I did what we said we would do and moved to Cambodia where we cruise around a chaotic city of 2 million people on a moped. Life is anything but unexciting these days. The easiest task takes half a day. We joke around and say if we accomplish one thing on our to do list a day, we are successful. And then we also still have down days (I don’t do this well) where we binge watch television series in our apartment.
Stacey has naturally fallen into a role that is more easily defined because of her experience and honestly I find myself a little jealous at times. When people ask her what she is doing, she replies with confidence and ease. She gets overwhelmed with all the work that has been laid ahead of her. When people ask me, I struggle to find the words, half-heartedly joking around saying I will be fluent in a week (I am believing for it). Sometimes I do not understand the need for baby steps.
This is the transparency of our move and it is good. It is making me stand on the truth of my words that relationship is more important to me then establishment. I moved here to be closer to my friends and to overflow into a nation that starves for hope and purpose. It is funny isn’t it? I can come full circle from speaking about purpose to providing purpose. That is the way God is working. The Kingdom is full of contradiction; we can be the student and teacher at the same time.
These lyrics by Andy Squyres have been stuck in my mind today, “I see a Kingdom rising in me of the resurrected King. And I cannot keep it from overwhelming this narrow world of unbelief.”
My heart’s prayer is to find overflow, my mind’s prayer is to find purpose. It is a short distance between supernatural and flesh. My appetite is for the supernatural.
In the words of my mentor, Andrew Shearman, “The dancing hand has surely fallen!” Healing and freedom has shown its face in the short month we have been here.
We are calling a refreshing revival over Cambodia and we are so happy that not only do we get to play a part, but that we speak those very words over ourselves.